Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
