i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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