I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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