I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
