Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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