Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
