cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
