I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
