she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
When are your genitals available?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
