Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
