my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
