You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
