whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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