I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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