Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
