In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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