I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So many bounce houses so little time
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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