we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize