Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
