He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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