I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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