Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
