I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
