Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
