Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We need to get me chipped asap
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
