I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
