That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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