Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
