god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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