the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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