: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
