It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
