the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
