I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There r osticjed everywhere
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
