She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
