So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize