I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
