My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
