Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
