My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
