im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
