So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
