Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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