when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
