I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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