I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
