Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
