it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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