I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
