i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
