my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
