I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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