I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
