No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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