I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
