Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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