i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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