Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
