I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
