grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
soo... how was my night?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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