i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
