i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
