Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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