I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
