Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
