Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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