Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
