I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
